When beginning training one must consider the needs of the submissive.
- What are their strengths?
- What are their weaknesses?
- What areas do they want to improve?
- What areas of improvement would most benefit them?
- What is the order of necessity?
I considered all of these things when my cur and I began living together. We had spent years knowing one another online as friends and months delving into the depths of one another’s needs. So I had a list of possibilities for consideration in the basic training of my cur.
I decided it best for him to learn honesty with himself, so his first step in training was journaling. He was required to journal one full page front and back a night on a topic of my choosing. I would read and respond to his thoughts, we would discuss them and reward would be given for his honesty to himself. This was not an easy thing for him, there were and still are some areas that he still struggles with honesty to himself. I reserve these times to discuss and push pain limits with him, the physical pain helps him work through the emotional confusion. It is akin to the socratic method + the whip, I call it physical breakthroughs.
The second step of his training involved time management. Primarily in ordering his day for the best performance of tasks. He was instructed how to wake me in the morning, the order in which I would receive my coffee and cigarette, bathing and grooming instructions, and meal preparation. This was a very arduous task, he was always mixing up starting my bath and giving me my coffee. I think during this phase it was hard for him to understand that his priority was to not have me wait for anything, hence I should be provided what I need before he takes leave to begin the next steps. I can not count how many times I was given my cigarette lit before I even had my cup of coffee, but I can tell you that to this day I have my cup before I even smell the aroma of a cigarette.
Bathing and grooming are not something I ask regularly of him, but on occasion I do enjoy being served in that way. He has become artful at combing out my hair in the shower, washing my body in the bathtub, and making sure I am dry before he begins to dry himself. Sometimes it is the little things, like how he always makes sure I have my towel first before he takes his off the rack, it is these moments that I realize what a precious gift I have been given.
He may be my cur, but he is at all times a gentleman. This was one of his strong areas, which I adore in him, there is nothing like good rearing. I deeply enjoy the look on people’s faces when he holds the door for strangers, helps women with their bags (with my approval), and offers his seat to elderly people. He does not appear to be the type to do such things, and truly in our generation a gentleman is a rare thing of beauty, so it pleases me to no end when I see the look of surprise and gratitude of people who have written him off as punk.
I initially kept a list and schedule for him, but as he has adopted and accepted the skills I have relaxed on the schedule. It is part of the show of trust and pride I have in him. I know he is capable and he knows he is capable, it is his privilege to do these things for me without reminder, and his reward is knowing that he has pleased me in his ability to do so.
There are certain areas of our lives that I have taken full responsibility for and control.
These are areas where I must be in control as I am very specific. I do ask for his preference from time to time, because I also care for his happiness, and he is entitled to having a preference in our relationship. Usually I allow him the option to suggest a place to eat on Friday nights, and he is allowed to wear what he wants to work. Outside of that I have the final say, it is an accepted part of our relationship, and stands as proof of how far we have come together.
I have found that the beauty of our relationship is the subtlety with which the Dominance and submission occurs on a daily basis. Outwardly we appear as an autonomous couple, but there is so much more happening at any given time. Only those with an eye to see can truly understand the beautiful play of D/s in our every day lives. He serves my needs and pleasures in every way, and it fulfills him to do so…of course from time to time he needs a reminder, and then I am so happy to acquiesce.
When we go to a function or a dinner we have a formal code of conduct and rules for posture, manners, and socialization. We have yet to attend any local BDSM functions, but we are planning to this coming fall, I look forward to seeing how exemplary he behaves.