I posted a question back in August, asking people what qualities they thought were important for a submissive. I see that people have been searching for the information so I “safely” assume that my readers have been considering the question quietly.
My pup suggested that I share my own views on the topic to get the dialog going, I think it is a good idea, and I hope it will in fact begin a discussion.
Qualities of a Submissive
First and foremost I would like to point out the ongoing debate as to whether or not submission is a gift. For my part I strongly support the view that submission is a gift, to see it otherwise is far to egotistical for my taste. Any Dom/me that thinks a submissive has no choice but to follow the strong and able Dominant, is lying to both themselves and diminishing the abilities of a submissive. Submissives are not people that are unable to care for themselves, nor do they have dependency issues, they are not weak-willed or push overs. Submissives take a pride in pleasing others, it is a fulfillment of a personal need to care and be cared for on a much deeper and more truthful level than many “vanilla” couples practice. Submission is decided devotion to another person, that places ego and personal wants (notice I say wants not needs) aside in favor of caring and committing to the service of another person.
A note to the “Uber” Dom/mes
If you are of the mindset that submission is something for people unable to care for themselves then this is not the blog for you. Perhaps visiting one of the several thousand sites that pass that bullshit as fact is a better bet, I am sure you will find numerous people of a like mind coddling themselves for being “able” enough to care for the “poor, weak-willed, pathetic” submissive.
Now that we have introductions and corrections out of the way… let’s get to the real meat.
1. A submissive develops characteristics along his or her respective journey.
With each new encounter a submissive will learn and build upon what he or she knows from experience. For this reason the first and foremost quality a submissive should possess is self-awareness. You have to know yourself first, D/s is a wonderful lifestyle but it can be dangerous to those who do not understand themselves, nothing is worse than losing yourself to a “Dominant” that is not competent enough to lead you and respect you for who you are.
2. Understand the difference between submission and being a “doormat”.
As a submissive you have the right to your opinions, and in a healthy D/s relationship there should always be a way for you to express those opinions. If you have a Dom/me that militantly expects you to accept everything dictated without question, then you do not have a Dom/me you have a child with a power trip. Learn the difference and respect yourself enough to walk away if you find yourself in this type of situation.
3. Compromise is a thing of beauty.
Seems weird for a Domme to say? Not really, D/s is a relationship like any other relationship and compromise is essential. Your Dom/me may want to try things and push limits that are very “dangerous” areas for you, you have the right to expect compromise and you also have the responsibility to compromise with their wants.
Your Dom/me has bad days too, just because we aren’t always “on the top of our game” does not mean that we are disinterested in you. If your Dom/me seems to be a bit out of it or stressed, you should make it your priority to provide them support and comfort. See to their needs, accept that he or she may not want to be “dominating” today, and that the best thing you can do is offer an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. This is your time to shine and show your Dominant that they can depend on your strength as well.
5. Bratty submissives.
If there is anything I dislike more than “Uber Dom/mes” it is bratty submissives. The idea that misbehavior is a way to go about seeking attention from your Dominant is absolutely incorrect.
Of course there is the need to point out that Dominants who find themselves dealing with bratty submissives, should take a step back and evaluate where the blame falls. More often than not, it will fall squarely on their shoulders for playing into that shit. If your submissive misbehaves and throws fits, do not respond in kind, give them quiet time so they can consider the meaning of “being always pleasing to his/her Dominant”. Responding to misbehavior with concentrated one to one effort only supports the driving force of the misbehavior, to get your attention. Instead give that bratty submissive a lesson in earning your attention with good behavior. Rewarding bad habits is bad for both the submissive and the Dominant.
Misbehavior, pettiness, and lack of obedience are all traits that I think qualify for a re-evaluation of the D/s relationship. Submissives, if you feel like you are being ignored by your Dominant or you feel that he/she is not active enough to fulfill your needs, then discuss this with your Dominant. Do not start behaving like a spoiled child, most times it will earn you nothing more than the quiet treatment and removal of permission to accompany your Dom/me in public or sit beside them in private.
6. Loyalty and pride in serving.
Nothing befits a submissive more beautifully than loyalty and pride in the service of his/her Dom/me. If you are a submissive, as a Dominant I can say that nothing is more attractive and personally satisfying for your Dominant than for you the submissive to proudly serve at their command. In public areas when I see a D/s couple, I always pay attention to see the interaction of the submissive, a proud submissive means pride and strength in the D/s relationship, it is also the mark of a true Dominant partner.
In terms of loyalty, no Dom/me wants a sub that plays with others, unless specific consent is given, and this goes especially for other Dom/mes. It does not however end with other Dom/mes. Just because you are a submissive does not mean you have the right and privilege to play, cuddle, relax, or joke with other submissives without permission.
Having been active in the online BDSM community for a short while I can not speak enough on this point, when you are in public with your Dom/me, you keep your mouth closed and your conversation minimal unless otherwise instructed. This includes emoting, rping looks across the room, greeting friends, speaking with other submissives, etc. etc. Nothing is more annoying than the “spotlight” sub that needs attention from everyone in the room, and will solicit such attention with behavior, body language, or speaking out of turn.